I went through a period where I felt that God had betrayed me. Now the reason I call this a period and not a phase is because I really felt a deep hurt for what I believed God had done/allowed to happen to me, as I believed I was in a really good place with him and my life was finally becoming untangled; my purpose becoming clearer with each passing day.
Now prior to this, I had recently fallen out with two of my close friends, and I felt like my life was spiralling out of control and there was nothing I could do about it but suppress my feelings, paint on a smile and convince myself that I was fine with everything. But that was far from the truth. As hard as I tried to ignore my life flailing around me, more things would happen to try to push me to the edge. Things started falling apart at home within my family; suddenly I felt like an outcast from everything, and I just became so overwhelmingly tired. I just wanted to fall into a deep sleep and forget about about my life crumbling beneath me. It was as though the metaphorical Dam I had built in my mind to keep all my feelings of disloyalty, hurt, loneliness and sadness was about to burst open and I knew there was no way I would survive it. God knew this too. He was the only positive thing left in my life. So tell me, why then did he decide to twist the knife in further by using a personal situation I had been struggling with for months against me?
…the Dam BURST!
..nothing to do
..nothing to feel
..noone to trust anymore
I woke up angry, angrier than ever! “He was meant to be my friend!” “my source of comfort”, but “he betrayed me!” I had never felt like this before. underneath all the anger was a boatload of hurt and disbelief, that the God that I was leaning on during my most troubling times turned around and stabbed me further in the back, then turned away from me. I then turned rebellious. He knew what would happen before it did, he knew how it would break me, yet, still, he allowed it/maybe even encouraged it to happen. there was only so much I could take. keeping all those feelings in the Dam had used up all the strength I had left and now there was nothing left for me to fight with. So I became numb and just existed. Everyone around me that I knew had a connection with God, I stayed away from and ignored. If it was anything God-related, I didn’t want to know…and that was that! I entered the new year with these feelings, forced to go to church but refusing to acknowledge him even in his house. “Why should I pray or praise someone that doesn’t even care about me?” “Why should I need him to enter the new year with me when he hurt me in the worst way possible?” The answer was that I shouldn’t..and so, I didn’t!